is that I can use this as a journal and not worry about a ton of other people seeing it.
Today I called my grandma to tell her thank you for coming to the baptism. Right after I did that, she started telling me how I really put my dad in a horrible spot conflicting events for this past sunday (mine was at 1:30 and the other one was at 4, they were 20-30 min apart from each other and mine ended at 2:30) and then started to reprimend me on how I need to take into account everyone's schedules and such.
It's a baptism. The only ones that are totally important to be there are us, the parents, and the god parents. For the mass majority, that date worked. And I, apparently, was supposed to rearrange b/c it didn't fit into her schedule.
Anyway, so the conversation went something like this - after she started informing me that I am a horrible person (mind you I spent the greater part of last week crying and being sick to my stomach) and then my dad and I made up and talked. Anyway, after she did that, I told her that she wasn't telling me anything that I don’t already know and that we haven’t already fixed. I told her that my dad and I were okay and that my cousin and I were okay b/c I had just gotten off the phone with him.
Then she said well, it was a good thing that she was already here b/c she wouldn’t have been able to get a flight on such short notice (mind you she didn't go out of her way to come to my oldest's baptism so I really didn't expect her at this one either) and I told her that we had just decided that week prior and waited until after the weekend to contact everyone b/c I wanted to talk it over with my dad and mom first and besides, after I talked to my parents, I found out that she was flying in for my cousin's thingy so it didn’t really matter how much notice she was given as she already had plans on being here.
She said something else, and I started blocking her out b/c I was exhausted from her. So then I asked her why she had to keep it a secret that she was flying in for a ceremony for for my cousin? And then she said that she had to keep it a secret b/c he told her to – and I said, you didn’t have to keep it a secret that you were flying in for the ceremony did you? And then she started in on I just can’t do anything right by you girls, and that this family is so screwed up b/c we always keep tabs on who does what good and bad and I told her you know, it isn’t who does what good or bad, b/c we can care less but it is black and white as the entire family gets together quite often and conveniently forgets to call my mom and dad to see if they can get together – like last night, after my cousins ceremony, they went to my cousin's house to hang out and drink coffee. Earlier that day, my dad asked her if she wanted to go get coffee, and she said that she would have to call him after the ceremony. So she did. But it was to call him to basically rub it in his face ever so high schoolish that they (the entire family) were all at my cousins house drinking coffee or hanging out and that she couldn't go with him.
WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER WOULD BE SO CRUEL AS TO RUB IT IN HER SON'S FACE WHEN SHE KNOWS IT HURTS HIM??!?!?! So I asked her why she had to call my dad and tell him you and the family were at my cousins and having a good time? Do you not realize that hurts his feelings? And she said, well, it wasn’t my place to invite him – and I said that’s always the excuse from you, and your two sisters, and then I said why couldn’t you say, hey, can we call my mom and dad and see if they want to come have coffee? They live 15 min away – and then she started yelling at me more and I said but you always come visit and then perpetuate more drama and stir the pot. Cousin M told me today on the phone that you came in and stirred the pot about the baptism being on the same day – why did you have to do that? And she had no answer and then started telling me how she has health issues and that she is battling anxiety and can’t have a heated discussion with me and couldn’t go back to her place in another state sick and that she was going to have to hang up the phone on me and kept talking so I said okay, Bye and hung up the phone.
I am going to venture to say that this is the absolute last time I will ever hear from her. I am pretty much not going to answer the phone if she calls or emails or pretty much not send pics or an xmas card or anything. I mean, my mom and dad had to put up with her when I was growing up. I just don't get why I have to put my family through toxic hell with her and why my family should be affected in such a negative way when she comes to town. When she comes to town, my dad clams up. He doesn't talk, he pouts and mopes. He doesn't talk to anyone at all. It makes my heart ache. And apparently I am beginning to show early signs of repeating his behavior. My kids and my husband do not need to go through this. And my mental health doesn't need it either.
Yet, I sat here today crying. Why? I think it is because I am tired of having this much hatred in my heart. I have had it since I was 16. I am almost 31. I am tired of hearing her voice. Just the thought of hearing her voice and/or her name sends me into some sort of twitching fit. My husband doesn't understand the amount of anxiety that I get surrounding her departure and arrival to this city. And I don't understand it either quite frankly other than the fact that I absolutely hate her. And I can honestly say that I have
NEVER, EVER said that about anyone in my life.
