I am 31 today.

I haven't been blogging so much lately as it seems as if time passes me by quite quickly.

I have been getting together a young professionals group for the leukemia and lymphoma society with my sister, trying to do a wine tasting for a fundraiser for me and my team for light the night for the LLS, and keeping up with my mom's board. All the while, trying to get my business up and running by sept 1 - which is going to be pushed back now to the 15th, so that i can properly launch the site - I just can't do things half assed. Other than cleaning, that I can do half assed - not the cleaning like bleaching things, just the picking up stuff stuff.

Well, today is my birthday. I went to the zoo with my kiddos and some other mamas, and had a FAB time. I am so tired and hot right now though - I didn't expect it to be this hot. :) But we all survived and both my kiddos are watching some cartoons - or are they? I haven't heard a peep in like 3 minutes :)

Anyway, i am so excited - i have much to be thankful for -my dear hubby, my wonderful kids, my entire family - i love em all!

Do you believe in signs?

So, we looked into getting our condo refinanced. That would tac on 6k to our principal, so um, no not financially smart.

We looked into getting a new car - well shall i say we went to the dealership and this is the return phone call I received:

Hi - we looked at the pilot - the EXL base model is $X, the EXL w/navigation is $X, the EXL w/nav and dvd is $X.

me - um, well did you price out the EX and the LX?

him - no, it didnt' seem like you wanted those.

me - okay, well, that's what I requested yesterday, so can you call me back with that information?

him - no, just figure 1,500 - 2k less than the pricess i quoted for each model.

me - um, okay. well, then what is our monthly payment going to be

him - well, that's something you need to figure out with your credit union

me - *screaming in my head by this time* um, okay. We will call you back.

I call hubby and then decide this IDIOT will be getting a piece of my mind.

VM I left - hi. It's ME. I have decided i want monthly payments for each model. That's what i originally asked for. I just was at my credit union and they said they can't doa nything for me w/o a final sales price from you. and since you didn't appriase our trade in and didn't give me final prices for the cars OR taxes, I can't do this. If you want our business, I expect this to be done.

T-minus 2 hours and counting until I write a NASTY letter to him and his manager.

I am so pissed off - and at the same time feeling like I should heed the warnings.......It's like God is saying - my dear, forget about all this crap and get rid of what is really paining you....your condo.

So. Every financial thing is off until this place is no longer in our possession.

(except for the nasty letter - he is still getting that should he not provide me with the information that I need.)

I think i have to bend over....

and take it. I am hopefully going to be able to muster up enough guts to ask my parents for money tomorrow and I am just sick to my stomach at the thought of this.

We have left over cc debt from hubby that we were unable to pay off during his tenure of extensive travel. We paid off 1/2 of the cc's, but we are not gaining on paying them off right now and percentage rates on EVERYTHING in our world is going up - our mortgage (variable rate, i know i know, but we were supposed to be out of here and i can't refy now or we will most definitely lose money) an assessment at our HOA, our HOA in january and the list expands.

We looked through all our bills to see where we can cut back and basically what it boils down to is that we can't turn on lights and use electricity. i clip coupons, i shop at the cheapest places, we don't eat out - well once in a blue moon i go to lunch and pay - ( i do to go lunch frequently, but my mom pays b/c she knows i can't) I told him i could cut out cable and internet, and he said no.

So, I am going to offer 5% interest to my dad along with keeping the total amount available on a cc just in case he should need to liquidate and need the money back. but i put us on a 3 year pay back schedule, to be paid on the 15th of every month. this total is cheaper than what we are paying now, and the interest rate is better than a money market account.

The ONLY issue here is that he has always marched to the tune of i will never help my children financially because that is not my job - which might be why i am having an anxiety attack over this.i just want to cry.

we pay over $800 for insurance per month here,and $25.00 each time we visit a dr. Thats why i hesitate to go and why i have hesitated to go to the oncologist for my check up. we just plain and simple can't afford all these dr's appts. I would go outside his work for insurance coverage, but i won't be abl eto be covered as i am not yet considered "cured" and if i am denied, i will carry a black mark the rest of my life. we don't fight about money in this house, but there is always a looming black cloud 5 days before payday when we need food, toilet paper, etc.

There seems to be no option other than for me to go back to work, and hubby says no way. Not to mention, even if I did get a part time job somewhere, there would be NO WAY that I could do it b/c my parents won't watch the kids and he doesn't come home until 7 or 8 every night. I am tired of being so stressed and sick to my stomach 5 days before every single payday. i am frekaing out about december b/c his parents seem to think we have money and can travel and expect us to come out to cali for a holiday celebration. i barely have enough money to give gifts this xmas to my kids let alone spend 1k that we don't have.

each time we discuss money, then he says okay i will pay more attention and then never does. so i am left to freak every month about money. I think the largest issue here is my pride. I feel BEYOND HORRIBLE for going out to dinner wtih my parents and not paying. I offer, but my dad doesn't take it. But for some reason i feel horrible about this. We are FAR from poor by US standards, but we are seriously middle class poor.

OMG - this turned into a WCP - and long. if you made it this far, thanks for letting me wallow in my self pity today.

wow. what a long day - and it isn't over!

Oh goodness - it was such a long, but wonderful day. Hubby had jury duty and then that got over, but he didn't go into work - soo, we went to a park and played. It was so fabulous to see the kiddos with him :)

I am exhausted though - it was beyond hot and I have a few things to do around here tonight - not to mention the house looks like a bomb went off. We also have house envy - of pretty much everyone we know. I am so totally bummed that we can't seem to get our shit together. I think we are both just overwhelmed and don't know where to start or finish or whatever. We are in over our heads with crap in our home. I hope that we figure out things soon as this place is depressing both of us.

Anyway, off to print some shirts for a friend :)

not comfortable talking about certain things.

Well, as most who read this know, I had cancer. I had a huge amount of radiation to my chest and ANY germ or slight cold turns into a major medical catastrophe. Sometimes I get down and really sad about this. I mean, I have kids. Every time they get sick, I am down for the count - and then I have to cancel plans with other people and I feel horrible. But a minor cold for my kiddos mean strep or bronchitis for me.

I get made fun of when I constantly clean the house with bleach and lysol or avoid someone who is sick. But I don't care anymore. I have to take care of me.

*sigh* off to the doctors again today. Today is one of those sad reflection days for me.