I have a friend

he lives by me. we met when he was spying on our drug addict, using, dealing pimping prostitute and goods dealing neighbors.

he is also going through cancer. he has some soft tissue cancer, and well, we all know that soft tissue isn't cureable, and he is being treated in a clinical trial b/c it is rare. he has had this for over 5 years.

He is still going through treatment, and I just got off the phone to invite him to a BBQ tonight, and he is so down and so tired, i can hear it in his voice and the way he talks. I feel just absolutely rotten. It breaks my heart. His parents are, well, not in his life (alcoholics) and he only has his siblings, but they all have their own lives too.

I feel so bad for him, I can't even put it into words. I feel like I need to mother him (and he is older than me!) just because he has no one to do so for him.

I think I am going to tell him to call, if he ever needs something, even if he just needs a meal cooked or for me to go to the grocery store for him.

I couldn't imagine going through cancer and chemo without family support. I just couldn't imagine.

i had a commercial photo shoot the other day.

and it rocked my socks. HOWEVER, this client rarely tells me times, dates, and such. it is nuts.

anyway, i get there and I FORGET MY WHITE BACKGROUND. I about kicked myself in the ass.

BUT.....this is where i am semi-proud of myself. I realized that it doesn't matter what background i have, as long as it is semi-white - i can blow out the white with my lights!!

well, freakin la-t-da!! I figured it out!! :) Saved my own ass, and made some rockin photos.

ahhhh...it's nice to know that my studying about photography late at night is paying off!

okie dokie.

so i know that this is a sad tail of a diary, but it is closed to the public for a reason. there isn't any fun stuff in here.

so here's the deal - my day sucked. BEYOND sucked.

it started out with e waking up on the ABSOLUTE wrong side of the bed. whining and crying - CRYING and more crying the entire day. i heard v scream once, didn't think much of it, until lunch when i saw a ring of teeth on his left hand.

nice.

then i witnessed her going to bit him - her reasoning? he is pulling my hair and hurting me so i will show him! nice :(

then off to the rat race today - and i really felt it. I have two businesses and just do not think i will be able to survive if i have to deliver every single order. i just can't handle it. and from now on, it's a $25.00 delivery fee for shirts or I mail it.

and then, my parents. i love them because i haev to right now. but i am seriously almost in tears. actually, i am in tears. they are so difficult sometimes and yet they are my parents.

i think my dad is annoyed that my kids are there twice a week. like i am not running a legit business (i have made 2,500 to date, and that is like everything i have made in 5 years in 1 quarter)

we have ants. i mean lots o ants.

the hoa is being a PITA and that is putting it lightly, but i got in a pissing match with them, resigned as president and one old biddy KEPT SENDING ME EMAILS even after i requested that they either communicate with me through REL or by ccin'g other people. i want records of how shitty they are treating me for the lawyer.

what is wrong with me? it's like i need an attitude adjustment. i am positive the mom's board that i belong to is tired of hearing me bitch - and it seems as if it has been constant lately.

you know, maybe this boils down to i had no clue that kids would do this to my spiritual being and my marriage and my esteem and my physical appearance, and my patience and , etc. etc, etc.

i feel rotten for thinking this, but man, i am having a hard time today. and i just need a break.

Fund Raising is hard work.

Last night we had a fund raiser for my sister - and it was a cookie lee party. I have been doing some soul searching and have found that cookie lee isn't for me. they have a HUGE Profit on their products (50%!!) and it is good stuff, but man, I just can't take 8 hours out of my day with my kids to do this. At least with my design stuff, I can be on the floor with them designing things and photography only takes two hours (at most) so I think I am going to have to make a decision for my family and for me.

So, you ask, what's so hard about this? Well, my upline is a good friend from high school - she will be disappointed in me, and well - disappointment is the WORST thing ever (IMHO) but as a mom, she must understand that i have other means of bringing in money that are 1 - more lucrative and 2 - less time away from the home.

With that being said, we raised $300 for my sister last night, which rocks. I am very happy about that.

and today I am just blah - I think some of my friends snuck off to the zoo today and I wasn't invited so i will sit around and sulk all day LOL. I have things to do, but getting out with the kids would have been nice.

I have to get the checks cashed, and then I also have to go to the discount bakery - a friend of mine posted on the board about this - and I totally forgot about those places. Well, we got some very expensive bread for 1/2 off - which ROCKS and it was fresh stuff too. What a way to save money!! :) now we can eat whole oat breads for the cost of the cheap shit i have been buying.

oh, and did i mention that my lil boy has devil horns lately!?!? He is soo damn funny. so i am sitting here typing, and there is a phone in my lap. he is trying to sneakily grab the phone while staring at me in the eyes hoping I won't notice, all the while he is smiling at me with this devilish grin - LMAO and now he went to sit on his sister's lap - how freakin cute!!!

Okay, that's enough rambling for me today. Enjoy the weather!!

I know that everyone has their bad days....

but man. I feel like some sort of mpd person lately - i am happy with my life. period. i am not happy with some tiny aspects of it -

1 - the house. the house must go. sold, rented, burned, it must go. ;)
2 - my belly. my beautiful son stretched my belly from here to ireland. it is huge, flabby and now just FAT. I have been trying to do somethign about it, but i am quite unsuccessful at this at this point in my life. I seriously think i would be much happier with a slightly flatter tummy. (as i say typing instead of doing pilates)

Really that's all that's on my mind today - but the tummy thing, it's like having a ball and chain stuck to me 24/7. i wish my body responded to exercise and diet right now, (and see, a shrink would laugh at me b/c they would say, you must let go of the anger you have for having cancer)

maybe i will just go for acupuncture and hope it will help :)

crazy busy!

WOW - where does the time go? I have been UBER busy and don't even know what I have been busy with. Is that bad?

Let's see.....getting a site together for my sister's raffle, that has taken a ton of time up b/c i have NO FREAKIN CLUE how to get the stupid paypal button to work. The damn thing keeps jacking up. I am not happy with it, and have hubby taking a look at it.

i have fewer hours to be online these days, it makes me sad, but then makes me very happy b/c my business is rockin, so that means less time on the internet and with kiddos. While i am sad, i am also happy as this is allowing me to keep a part of ME and make me a better mom by keeping me happy inside.

Anyway, just a lil shout out today. hope everyone is well!

oh and one more thing...

HAPPY EASTER!! :)

Dude...wtf.

so my MIL is throwing my nephew a birthday party next weekend.

Now, I understand that she isn't my mom, and I am not her daughter, but the MOST that she has offered for my children is maybe making a dessert (which is usually taken care of by me b/c I am the mom duh!) that's it. Not bringing food, not drinks, NOTHING. And now she is going off and throwing a full blown birthday party for her grandson?

and she didn't even call v on his birthday much less give him anything - W.T.F?!?!?!?? come to think of it, she didn't give him anything when he was born either - oh wait, i got one blanket. yup.

Oh, and we were told that we are expected to come to easter in palm springs next year b/c she is renting a house for a week so that we dont' have to pay for anything other than flights (hmmmmm...that freakin' sounds familiar - oh yea!! THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID THIS LAST TIME!!!)

dude. hurt feelings all around. *tear*

i had a commercial photo shoot today.

and i am not feeling like it went too well. i am going through my images now, and several things went wrong, of which I will most definitely fix prior to the next shoot that i get like this.

1 - the client (a creative agency) had NO CLUE what the facility looked like, and wanted high-key photos done. Well....high key doesn't work too well in a very well lit room, as well, my flashes were competing with natural light and nothing worked as planned. so i gave up, shot them underexposed and will now have to spend hours on post processing.

2 - my focus seems to have been off. i am not proud of this, and i took the shots from really far away - (normally i am up in someone's face, and today i was a good 5-8' away from my subject. NOT good, BUT I am not thinking this will matter when printed as I just printed one out now and it looks the same as the stock photography that they gave me earlier on a brochure, soooo.....who knows.

i always seem to question myself after a shoot like this - i mean, my shots are great to use in a 5x7 or smaller, but because of the lighting, they wouldn't look good blown up. *sigh* off to tell the client this.