i am pretty nervous...

i have been feeling 'off' for about a week now. walking to the side, almost falling over, etc. so i went to the doctors. well, she found fluid behind my ear, and gave me a decongestant. So i have taken three doses, and then I felt like I had a sinus infection, which would make sense. So I called the dr back and asked for antibiotics (which they called in).

My worry? I am DEATHLY afraid of a stroke. I have high cholesterol, a blood disease that puts me at a greater risk and I have had a PE, which I do not think dissapated (is that spelled correctly?) anyway, if it dislodges itself, i could be in a world of problems.

It has been two days and I am still severely dizzy and nauseated. I don't know what to do. Going ot the ER is pointless as they are incompetent and have missed MAJOR things in the past few years with me anyway, and well, we can't afford an ER visit that the insurance won't cover. You see, if there isn't a diagnosis that is life or death, then they don't cover the visit.

I just don't know what to do. my health is a constant worry/concern for me. hubby must think i am nuts. i am documenting my migraines and dizziness. if things aren't better by friday i will seek medical attention.

I am sick to my stomach and dragging my feet.

my photoshoot went less than stellar, okay - less than okay. And now i am frantically trying to save what I already captured, as well as move forward with the ever so humbling call of - can I offer you X% off your print prices if you let me shoot again?

ugh. she knows that I am portfolio building, and practicing, but who likes to make these types of calls? If you said no one, then you are correct.

I am also to the point at which some people in this world just CAN'T give constructive criticism. I mean, REAL constructive criticism. Not the sugar coated crap, but actually helpful in ways to help you grow, not in ways to just let you know that you suck.

And message boards, while nice, don't offer much to boosting one's feelings. I posted two images on a photog board - and they are ruthless there, which is fine, I asked for helpfull constructive criticism. One person replied with you did XYZ and ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW wrong. But didn't offer any words of encouragement other than - you have to reshoot (um fucking DUH) and here's the direct quote, "I would definitely offer a re-shoot and make sure you have your A game on before you do it. " you know what? If I WANTED to talk to my dad, I would have called him and showed him the images. This person was clearly a guy by the words. And well, that comment sounded like scolding to me.

Oh well, lesson learned. My feelings hurt. I am already upset and sick to my stomach about having to call the client, and now I know NEVER to post another photo on that board again. Not to mention, some people lurk there that I know too and they are probably laughing behind my back (As they wouldn't dare say anything to my face as that is how they are)

everyone is always too busy for everyone else....

until they know someone (or they themselves) contract a disease. Then time stands still. You become a bit closer to a higher being, your family and those people who end up sticking around or those who come out of the woodworks to give you love and support.

Oddly enough, it doesn't happen often that people come out of the woodwork and/or your friends stick around to help out. People are afraid of disease and death and illnesses. I have known two people to become diagnosed with cancer in the past year. Both of which I can't wait to jump out of my pants to help them with meals or whatever I can offer that they need.

My heart aches everytime someone is diagnosed as I go through a mix of emotions reminissing about the days that stood still in time when I was diagnosed. And how I got through things and then looked back and realized only three friends actually cared enough to call, write, make things and actually take a trip out to see me and help out.

I guess it doesn't help out that most all friends that would have helped in any way live MILES away, but it does make you realize that, in the end, mostly all that is important is keeping your family relationships.

But you walk away from an experience like this a completely changed person. Who, in a heartbeat, would stop life and help a total stranger in the same situation.

emails

it's not fun when the only emails I receive are message board emails :) most of the family is out of town this week in boston, I am *hiughly* jealous. I might have to take a trip out there - I have a few friends out there and I could use a weekend for me.

I did a craft show this past weekend, it was great. I only had one sale, but that sale made it worth it for being there. But a few others said that they will order holiday cards, so we will see. BUT doing these smaller shows gets my name out there, so it is worth it in that respect.

okay, lil man is crawling around crying, i need to get him a bottle and get him down for a happy nappy! :)

delerious, i know you are reading this...

and i am sorry i left a dirty diaper on your chair today - i remembered it when i got about 15 minutes away from your house. I feel like such an egg head.

and i enduldged myself in your nice bath salts that you are now selling - and OMG, i so love them.

anyway, thanks for the chat today - it's nice talking to another adult once in awhile and OMG your bug was the cutest with my princess today - can i just tell you we had a melt down of massive proportions when we got to the car - why you ask? b/c she wanted to run in and get that dora cash register and take it home with her. it took a lot of explaining to her that those toys aren't hers - which I don't know why she doesn't get - it isn't like i don't take her out to other people's houses...sheesh!

:)

Growing faster than I expected...

I guess that title can define many aspects of my life right now - my kids, who grow on a daily basis. Lil princess is becoming very independant (translation, mouthy) and is trying me on every level, and mostly it is seriously making me giggle. She is sooo serious when she tries to talk me into something. Lil mr man just climbed up 5 steps today, and did it repeatedly for an hour or so - and giggled the entire time - oh boy are we in for it with him!!

And, lastly, I decided to go forward with launching a photography business. And, much to my surprise, I already have a lot of sessions booked, including a dance studio - I am quite shocked, amazed and really happy. Things are growing faster than I can keep up, and I think I like this pace :)